Marriage Is Not An Option. Yet.

So now you tell me you’re satisfied

You strut around with your 10-month old baby and that wedding band in your finger, looking down on my warped views regarding love and my commitment issues. You thought I didn’t notice how you cringed in disdain when I told you how marriage is something I might not want to pursue given the relatively slim pickings of men actually worth marrying. How could you have changed this much? You who used to be fun and more flirty than I was. You who had no qualms about sleeping with rich chubby guys on your first date. You who had probably slept with more men than I did. You who laughed at my dating horror stories and my occasional embarrassing moments of naivety with men who were about to take advantage of me.

What happened to you?

Haven’t you noticed that things have been different between us after you got yourself pregnant? We used to be the best of friends. When you told me you had gotten yourself accidentally pregnant and you were marrying your on and off boyfriend, Muscles, for six years, I wondered why it took you a week to tell me. I suppose you probably were ashamed and had to wait for Muscles’ decision to do the right thing and marry you. How could you have been so dumb? I thought you were so much smarter than this. You who swear on the efficacy of Provera. You who frequently chastised me for not practicing safe sex as much as you did. You who laughed at my mastery of the Natural Family Planning method.

You who got yourself accidentally pregnant after a weekend of debauchery with the man whom you told me was possessive, emotionally weak, had unethical values and whom you have sworn to me repeatedly was not the right man for you.

So, who’s the smart one now?

And now you tell me that you’re deliriously happy. You have a baby, a husband and the security you needed which you didn’t get when you were still boyfriend-girlfriend. You have deluded yourself into thinking that getting married to you has made him change his ways. Go ahead, continue your delusions, while I keep my mouth shut and not tell you about how HotNurse told me that Muscles still flirts blatantly with his students. Of how a few days before you two got back together, Muscles told HotNurse that it will be a long time before he actually thinks of getting married to anyone. Of how Muscles was not ready to get married but was only forced to make that decision because he got you pregnant. Of how once when you were pregnant, HotNurse, Muscles and I went drinking and they made me swear not to tell you. Of how HotNurse and Muscles would go out with the rest of the boys and meet girls they would then end up having one-night-stands with, and then he would go back home to your loving arms and warm bed, telling you that he only went drinking.

How could you actually believe that getting married was the solution to an unwanted pregnancy? How could you believe that a mere sheet of paper was the catalyst that could make him change his ways? How could you be so darn ignorant so as to think that marriage has actually brought you security and contentment?

And you wonder why you’re getting fat despite having lost the post-partum weight. That’s stress. Somewhere in your subconscious, you know you are unhappy. You know you are not contented with the marriage. Despite that marriage certificate and the baby, you know there is still a void that he has not fulfilled in your life. And it’s eating you. And your body is manifesting your frustrations by refusing to hydrolyze the lipids in your system and fooling your hypothalamus to think that you will never reach that point of satiety.

You are one of the reasons why I no longer believe in the purity of marriage. You are one of the reasons why I would like to take my time in finding the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I no longer care that I am close to my 30’s and friends are worried that I might become That Pretty Girl in the group who remains single. If I ever get accidentally pregnant by someone who cannot provide for me a lifetime of bliss, I will keep the baby, allow him the opportunity to spend time with it but I will not marry him. I will take my time. I will not settle. I will make sure that in the end, I will not regret.

That unlike everybody else, I will truly be happy.

So go ahead. Convince yourself that you are happy. Look down on my series of broken hearts and failed relationships. Feel sorry for my current lifestyle of loneliness. Pity me for still being single and unattached. Persuade yourself that one day you will never hear your husband tell you the most hurtful words you will ever hear in your entire life: that he only married you because he got you pregnant. Convince yourself that unlike me, you are now living the life that you’ve always wanted. Go on, dream.

We both know anyway that’s all just a fantasy.