The Dating Saga of The Filipina Mistress
I spent a good majority of my growing-up days dating, or at least, wanting to date.
Growing up as the eldest among four siblings and brought up by academically-driven parents, I wasn’t allowed to be exposed to a lot of the teenage drama and the experiences that was expected for teenagers to go through at that time of their life. My parents weren’t really strict. I was allowed to go on school outings and supervised overnights unlike some of my less unfortunate friends. My parents were just somewhat conservative and goal-oriented, believing that boys would totally make me lose my focus from my education. I wasn’t really allowed to date and my parents wanted me to get a boyfriend only after I graduate from college. That didn’t stop me, of course, for I had my first date with one of my highschool classmates by the age of 15.
I got curious about boys at an early age and was envious of highschool classmates who find themselves in the throes of their first boyfriend-girlfriend relationships. When I left home to study college at the big city, I finally escaped the clutches of my parents’ supervision. As I went into my 2nd year of college, I watched my fellow classmates falling inlove with boys and venturing into territory that I’ve always wondered about. I was jealous. I kept thinking, What the hell do they have that they actually find themselves a man and I don’t? I am so much more prettier than them! So, when a guy I barely knew started showing some interest, I reeled him in with my feminine wiles and in less than a week, I finally got myself my very first boyfriend at the age of 17.
I was born a Roman Catholic and lived majority of my academic life in Catholic schools. Thus, it was a given that I imbibe the same Christian values that Christianity preached: masturbation is a sin, oral contraceptives are bad, and premarital sex is a no-no. Because I lived in an era that was slowly embracing the Western culture, expanding my horizons and gradually evolving me into the inquisitive open-minded woman that I now am, my religious values did not stop me from forsaking my morals and I lost my virginity at the age of 21.
I met my Mr. Almost in the form of Rockstar at the age of 21. After a particularly long and tumultuous relationship, I got engaged at the age of 24. Few months later, I got “dis-engaged.” I have been in and out of serious and not-so-serious relationships eversince as I continually search among the Mr. Wrongs for another Mr. Almost to become the one perfect Mr. Right. Because I’ve been to places and situations that most Filipina girls my age would probably have not gone, I have learned valuable dating lessons and experiences that opened my eyes about the opposite sex, which most Filipina women probably don’t know about. As such, I have developed more open-minded views and less-idealistic opinions than most of my friends, which prompted them to start calling me “The Master” or rather, the more politically-correct “The Mistress.” They have watched me flirt my way through certain situations, noted the succession of men who have gone in and out of my life, witnessed the hook-ups and break-ups, while I still maintained the same sunny disposition regarding love, continually believing that the right one for me is still somewhere out there, I just have to wait for him.
I’m not saying I’m a flirt. In fact, I’m rather a quiet and very reserved person.
I’m not saying that I’m promiscuous. In fact, I can still count the number of people I’ve slept with on my fingers.
And no guy will ever be worthy enough for me to stop being monogamous to my partner when I am in a serious relationship.
It’s just that I’m willing to immerse myself into the dating scene and check out what’s there. It’s just that I know I should not settle for what’s right there in front of me when I know I deserve so much more. It’s just that I know I’m meant for someone better who will show me true happiness and not just delude me into some fantasy of unrequited love or half-baked promises.
So, if I have to kiss a lot of frogs to find my Prince Charming, then I would.
Besides, who says dating isn’t fun anyway?
JaneDoe’s Story
As a single and dating 20-something soon-to-be professional, I have learned that labeling yourself as “single” does not particularly increase your chances of finding Mr. Right nor the Mr. Maybes. It turns out that in order to do so, one has to first, be happy that he or she is single.
What? Happy to be single? You look at me with one eyebrow raised in suspicion.
You cross your arms and stare at me in disbelief. If singlehood is so darn wonderful, then why do we all want to date and get ourselves a boyfriend or a girlfriend?
Simple. Because most of us equate the singleness with loneliness.
When that should not be the case.
I have a petite bestfriend named JaneDoe (with 6-pack abs to die for) who frequently laments about her “singleness”. She has been with this guy, Chauvinistic Asshole Who Thinks He’s God’s Gift to Women or CAWTHGGTW (but I think we’ll call him CAW, for short), on and off for eight years and she wants to finally get out of the relationship that continually sucks her every being. CAW admits to her that she is not the only girlfriend in his life (he is also in a serious relationship with two other women who don’t have any idea that the other girls existed), has the nerve to compare her to all his other present girlfriends to her face, belittles her infront of his family to the point that CAW’s mother doesn’t like JaneDoe at all, actually throws a bar of chocolate to her face one time, demands to accompany him to places even when she is at her most busiest, and bestows her daily with borderline emotional, verbal and physical abuse.
He ignores her 100 calls and text messages when he’s chatting through YM and replies to her, only when he needed something from her.
He asks her to take a million pictures of them together but refuses to post a single one of the ones with the two of them together in his Friendster profile.
He borrows money from her even when she doesn’t have any, so she is forced to borrow money that she’s supposed to lend him from her own friends.
So JaneDoe decides to stop the stupidity and break up with him. The catch is, she will only do so IF she finds someone better first. So, she broke things off with him, tried being single for some time and of course, failed in every aspect. Thus, she got back with CAW and until now, she’s still letting him screw her and destroy what measly number of neurons she has left.
Because JaneDoe enjoys spending most of our time together, analyzing why she is such a loser when it comes to love (Trust me. She actually enjoys this things), this is basically what I came up with.
Being single did not work for her because she failed to take advantage of her situation.
In order to make other people notice that you are date-able, you have to create your own inertia and momentum by having a life, being sociable, taking care of your own interests. When I was in between boyfriends, I always tried to have positive disposition, studied harder to get fantastic grades, enrolled in a gym to look better and feel better, took up new hobbies like blogging, kept myself busy etc. The more I had going for me, the more people notice and the more they became attracted. You start emanating a certain kind of energy that people of the opposite sex will simply gravitate to. People now have to work harder to catch up with you… because you have become to them, a challenge. Suddenly people notice that you’re a catch! People know somehow that you’re not willing to just settle for something, that you’re willing to walk away from a situation that doesn’t work out for you – and that willingness to walk away says everything they need to hear about how you view your self-worth. That confidence translates into respect. And a man only respects a woman who respects himself.
JaneDoe did none of that.
She felt embarrassed about being single and analyzed everything to death, never allowing herself the feeling of single-hood completely, never truly enjoying the happiness of being single. She was afraid of being alone, of not getting married by the age of 30, of losing someone that good-looking. She was contented to fill the void with nostalgic memories of how he used to love her and transfer the love-that-was into the emotional emptiness that his selfish love-for-now could only give. She attracted only a limited number of prospects and half-heartedly entertained them, frequently finding fault in every guy, comparing him to the perfection that was CAW, shoting down one prospect after another before he even started. She sticks it out with CAW, bearing the scars of war well, the emotional bruises, the constant pain, the tears she held back. She chose to stay in a relationship that does not even make her happy anymore, for she felt that it was better to be with someone who only used to love her than to not be with him at all.
I don’t wanna say that JaneDoe has completely lost respect for herself by being unable to walk away from CAW and for continually letting her world revolve around him. I don’t really blame her. I think that at some point or another, the fear of being single and alone engulfs us so badly that we choose to stay immobilized in situations that do not particularly make us happy.It’s not easy to take that first step and conquer that fear.
But once you have and you give yourself the chance to learn to be at peace with your “single-hood,” it doesn’t really take long for others to notice and revoke your status from “Single” to “In A Relationship” once again.
Just speaking from experience =)
- 12 Simple Steps to be Happy and Single -
—- Certain parts taken from Dating Dummy’s What I’ve Learned (So Far)
Female, 27, single
Some people have been asking me recently if I have a boyfriend. I think the answer for that would be yes, I do have a boyfriend. But why, you ask, do I consider myself single, if I am with someone?
It’s easier to tell people I’m single than to tell them I’m not. When you tell them you’re single, the only questions to follow will be “Why aren’t you married or in a relationship?” and you can just tell them, “I’m dating, nothing serious.” And your companion laughs awkwardly and proceeds to shift the conversation to another baseless topic like school or the weather. On the other hand, when you tell people that you have a boyfriend, a barrage of follow-up questions are sure to come up, like “Who is he?” “Do I know him?” “Where did you meet him?” “How long have you two been going out?” “Is it serious?” “So, when are you getting married?”
Ever since I’ve started seeing Philip, I’d been very ambivalent regarding my responses to those kinds of questions. It would have been okay if I was confident as to the status of our relationship, especially when the only person I’ve been brave enough to talk about him is JaneDoe and a few close friends from highschool.
But the thing is I’m not.
Oh, yes, I love him – he rocks my world – and I would like to think that if we had only met in different circumstances, at a different time, at a different place, then, he would have been perfect as THE ONE for me. But I don’t know if I am strong enough to make our relationship last, even if I know he wants me to. I’m not 100% sure I can give him that, especially since we come from different backgrounds, what we have is unconventional and complicated, it is not the kind that will last forever (I’m preempting an end sometime within the next two years or sooner, even if he always makes all this 5-year or 10-year plans for the two of us) and let’s face it, I‘ve been burned too many times, it’s a surprise that my jadedness has not yet affected our relationship.
Plus, let’s not ignore the big white elephant right infront of us.
He is married.
So basically we’re taking it slow, just enjoying the moment, and I even if I know it will end someday, I refuse to think of the future. We have each other. That’s certainly enough for now.
